what is next?

What is the next move is my question now. my son's or our son's birthday finally came and went. yea, i will admit it was stressful, at a point i asked my self how i got into agreeing to have a 1st year party for him. i wanted the whole thing to be different and i did tried my best, but i will admit here that its not easy doing anything alone, especially where a child is involved. thankfully a friend of mine was availabe to drive me around but it was still stressful coupled with the fact that i didnt want K. (my son's dad) to have a cause to fault my effort, i know he wont say well done but for him to find a fault wld be demoralising. So so, the party didnt go as planned but it was still in a class of its own, so I thank God for that and for keeping our son and i bet i should be celebrating as well that i am one year in motherhood. Surprisly, grandma came (K.'s mum).

Not that i havent been missing K. all this while, but seeing him again and him going away within hours, just made my emotions run amock. Now i miss him so much, and i long for him every minute. i cldnt help it and i sent him a text the other day that i was missing him and i felt foolish immediately cos i know he doesnt feel that way about me.

my son is not feeling to well today and i am also missing his dad and i decided to use the excuse of mother's day to call him, finally summoned the courage to confirm what i already knew, that he has a girlfriend now. surprisingly i didnt feel bad and despite that i still miss him and pray that things would be different.

So, my question still remains, what is next, where do i go from here. For the first time in almost 32 years i want to be married and to who? the father of my child who presently doesnt give a hoot about me. Hmmmm, now i understand the phrase, "life is a bitch"