I Need A Miracle

Everything seems to be on the down hill since August. I have had to work less than 25hrs because of student and visa issues and if I can seriously say it has "been very easy" i have cried and thankful to God laughed for the greater part of the time despite not knowing what is going to happen tommorrow or how i am going to pay my next bill. I have not been able to afford to give my son all i would have or even give myself a little treat. There is no one that i can put my head on their shoulders and tell it all to. I have asked GOD in different ways to make all these to go away and sometimes i feel maybe HE is not even listening or may be i am not praying well or in the rightway. Some friends seems to think i am brave or strong but all i can tell them is when u've got no one to watch ur back or catch u when u fall, u just have to be strong even when u are cracking inside.

At 32 0r 33 (i cant even remember my age) i am spending Christmas alone with my son, and i cant even give him a proper christmas with all the works. i am not lamenting and i am seriously thanking God for our good health but at the same time i want a Good Loving Husband and for this Christmas I want A FANTASTIC MIRACLE FROM GOD AND|K. in a package for christmas (laughs).

Anyway, i am tired of being alone and going it all alone.

Still praying, hoping and wishing

Its been a long while, and too many ups and downs. my boy is growing older every day, and i am still longing for his Dad. Sometimes i feel like crying and i cant even do that, i wonder how and why K wld despise me such much that he cldnt and wldnt consider making up with me. i find it hard to comprehend that all the time we had together meant nothing to him. i cld still remember every minute of every time we spent together. most of all what i cant understand and comprehend is the fact that I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM.



I honestly dont know what to do, and i am tired of making a fool of myself, i always feel like leting him know how i feel. I pray my prayers are answered and very soon too.

what is next?

What is the next move is my question now. my son's or our son's birthday finally came and went. yea, i will admit it was stressful, at a point i asked my self how i got into agreeing to have a 1st year party for him. i wanted the whole thing to be different and i did tried my best, but i will admit here that its not easy doing anything alone, especially where a child is involved. thankfully a friend of mine was availabe to drive me around but it was still stressful coupled with the fact that i didnt want K. (my son's dad) to have a cause to fault my effort, i know he wont say well done but for him to find a fault wld be demoralising. So so, the party didnt go as planned but it was still in a class of its own, so I thank God for that and for keeping our son and i bet i should be celebrating as well that i am one year in motherhood. Surprisly, grandma came (K.'s mum).

Not that i havent been missing K. all this while, but seeing him again and him going away within hours, just made my emotions run amock. Now i miss him so much, and i long for him every minute. i cldnt help it and i sent him a text the other day that i was missing him and i felt foolish immediately cos i know he doesnt feel that way about me.

my son is not feeling to well today and i am also missing his dad and i decided to use the excuse of mother's day to call him, finally summoned the courage to confirm what i already knew, that he has a girlfriend now. surprisingly i didnt feel bad and despite that i still miss him and pray that things would be different.

So, my question still remains, what is next, where do i go from here. For the first time in almost 32 years i want to be married and to who? the father of my child who presently doesnt give a hoot about me. Hmmmm, now i understand the phrase, "life is a bitch"

still searching, but am i searching the right place

hello, its been a while and a lot has actually gone by. my son's dad has been burging me about plans for our son's first birthday. The sad thing is i try as much as possible to relate to him as normal as i could without emotions, but its been very impossible. He has told me he might be coming for the birthday party and i am looking forward to him being a part of it.
though i am scared he might turn up and be arrogant and non chalant as he usually is. i called him yesterday and he was talking to someone in the background, i think is dating someone already, he as moved on while i am still here getting hot and cold on his every word.

Obviously and unfortunatly i am still madly in love, and why?  i cannot lay a finger on it. He has never done anything extra ordinary for me and in simple words he has used and dropped me and after all he has done i still long for him.

At last, a new begining

i had wanted to create this blog a while ago but never got a hang of it. finally its been done today 1st of January, 2007, a new year and beginning of good things , loads of happiness, and lots of love in my life.

there would definitely be loads of thots on this blog, probably not a day to day account of a mum seeking love and happiness from the father of her child, but loads to keep u up to date at regular intervals.

thanks, and have a fun filled new year, i hope u already have loads of love and happiness that i seek and if not i wish u the best in finding them this new year.

thanks